I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters