My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Venn
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”