Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.