Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.