*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
what could possibly go wrong?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]