My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.