Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
You Might Also Like
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.