There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I hope it’s French Onion!
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.