Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
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The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind