[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
*jingles half the way*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?