why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it