All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
You Might Also Like
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.