Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
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ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀