ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
You Might Also Like
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude