You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Ain’t no way
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.