Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
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How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
this makes me so uncomfortable
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
They’re the worst 😩
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze