I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
That’s no pocket rocket.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?