Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.