My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
The Sun
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.