#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
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Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
January has been Januweary
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
This is not me but this is me
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?