My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
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[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
This could’ve been an email.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps