[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
You Might Also Like
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.