Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
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You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
me hitting on a model
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX