Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”