I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
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Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
My wife gives the best headache.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Meow
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*