*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
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*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
How your email finds me
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Never forget.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol