Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
idk what he going thru but i feel him
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut