Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
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Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.