“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
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Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Watermelon Boss!
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.