Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
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Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
wow
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.