Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
You Might Also Like
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I need this for my side hustle.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.