Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
huge if true: the moon
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.