M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
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My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.