I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…