[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
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I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls