When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
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*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
work smarter, not harder
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.