Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
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Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
God, I love Scotland
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?