whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
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“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me