“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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All is fair in drunk and war.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.