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I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.