You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
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To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
A completely valid reaction tbh
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.