If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
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Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
finally
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
m’lady
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Always a metermaid never a meter
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Quadruple digit IQ