Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
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to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
is this meant to deter me
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Lmbo
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire