There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Why are bridges so flammable.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I feel seen
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?