Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Help Wanted
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?