You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
You Might Also Like
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
🤣✨#caturday
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.