Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter