My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
You Might Also Like
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
This is the one
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.