Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
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Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I need better friends