Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋